I'm starting this blog as a way to heal from a recent loss of my greatest love, E whom I met in Bali, Indonesia in June 2003 on a holiday. Since meeting him, I have learned about commitment in a relationship, what it is like to be loved and to be in love. Due to our differences in cultural upbringing and my difficulties with personal issues from the past, our love struggled and most recently, it brought us apart for the second time.
Since returning home in May of 2012 after spending 8 months in Holland, I have struggled with having to deal with loss and change. There are many regrets and many times I wished that I can turn back the time. The first time we parted ways back in 2004 after spending nearly a year was for me to be in Korea, my motherland which I left in my teens with my family to the U.S. So naturally, I felt the need to go to Korea and get back in touch with my roots. We decided to get back together and I returned to Holland in September 2011 after 7 years but I guess I realized now that I wasn't quite willing to give up everything I had at that time which meant leaving behind my parents and New York City. One should be willing to give up everything to start a new life in a new land and it takes great love and courage for someone to do that. It was a very difficult choice but nonetheless, I made a choice to be with E again in Holland.
Having to make a difficult choice of leaving again for the second time was based largely on my fear of the unknown. This 'fear' I believe was instilled in me by the demons along with negative forces I felt. I let fear dictate me and control my decision this time around. What my heart desired was to be with E all along all these years. My Korean/American/immigrant upbringing is partly to blame. The fact that I grew up influenced by a culture that is very judgmental and materialistic. The fact that people are so competitive, distrustful of one another, unwilling to discuss problems and would often suffer in silence. It is now very clear to me who really shows genuine care. I have been disappointed so far in some friends and family members since returning home.
I clearly remember how indecisive I was and how difficult it all was to come to a decision to leave. To have to say good bye to each other at the airport in Schiphol again, to imagine everything being the last whether it's the kiss, the hug, physical presence, etc.. was devastating. I remember not being able to breathe after boarding the plane. I truly understood what it meant to have your breathe taken away. The whole experience reminded me of the song, "Take my breathe away".
The only thing we can both do now is to try to work on healing. The idea of moving on with my life without E is extremely painful and difficult. But they say time heals so I hope I can heal with time. I have dealt with loss in the past such as losing my grandparents and relatives but the pain of losing your soulmate feels greater. I have dealt with the loss of my brother in the past not to death but to other personal reasons and it brought great pain and void in my life. Since my brother, I would have to say this is the second greatest loss and pain I'm currently facing.
I'm hoping that blogging will allow me to reflect on my mistakes, treasure the memories we had and allow me to heal because healing and getting better is the only thing I can do from now on. My dream is to reunite with E and be in his arms again and I'm more than willing to give up everything I have now to have E in my life. But it's all up to him to decide whether to have me back the third time. I can't live my life waiting for his answer so I have to try very hard to focus on the present. As they say, future is uncertain. I may even have to accept the fact that I will never become a mother since I'm already 38.
These days, I'm spending a lot of time in the practice room since I'm a musician. My instrument and music has always served as an outlet for me to channel my emotions and I'm now discovering writing and blogging to channel my thoughts and emotions. Music and writing are definately therapeutic for the soul. I'm happy to blog again after so many years just like I was happy to play the piano again after so many years.
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